Good morning metalheads. You’re listening to ‘Phoning It In’ on Stone Sour FM. I’m Hugh Givesafuck, and I’ll be your time lord today as we travel back through the decades to experience the very bands that influenced that Iowa hard rock five-piece, Stone Sour.
So, grab your sonic screw drivers and long onto your Tumblr accounts, because… wait… no. Sorry. I’ve just been informed that, yet again, Stone Sour will be actually be covering these songs. But, they’ll be doing so in a meticulous amalgamation of their own style and the original… oh… no. Sorry. I’ve just been told that they’re not doing that, so they’re just gonna print off the tabs from ultimate-guitar.com and bash it out as quickly and cheaply as possible to maximize profits? Is that what you’re saying? Oh, shit! The mic is still on!
Sorry about that folks. What I meant to say is that you’re in for a real treat! Because, *sigh* yet again, the one and only Stone Sour are going to be performing the very songs that inspired them to form their Grammy award winning band. So, stick around to hear these pointless, I mean, pretty awesome covers after the commercial break.
“Do you remember when cover songs were reserved for support acts and wedding bands? Pepperidge Farm remembers. That’s why we have weekly gigs where only one cover song is allowed per set. So, come on down, enjoy a gig, knowing full well you are there to hear songs from the band you are there to see. Terms & conditions apply.”
Alight folks, welcome back. Let’s get right into it and kick things off with a punk as heck cover of Bad Brains‘ ‘Sailin’ On’.
*Sound of spinning office chair and heavy sighs of bored*
Wow. That was definitely Stone Sour covering Bad Brains, wasn’t it listeners? And, if you liked that self-indulgent copy-cat guitar wankery, then you’ll love their cover of Iron Maiden‘s own ‘Running Free’.
*Repeatedly bangs from head slamming onto desk*
That was, erm, similar. Let’s shake it up a little bit with someone else singing for a change, shall we? Yeah, let’s hear Stone Sour‘s cover of The Rolling Stones‘ ‘Gimme Shelter’, featuring Lzzy Hale from that other generic radio band, erm, Halestorm.
*Audible sobbing arising from corner of radio booth*
Oh, it just fades out? Uh huh, erm. Not sure why she gets credited as she was nothing more than a back vocalist. Right, let’s get this over with, shall we? It’s time for, oh, really?! I mean, here’s their version of Mötley Crüe‘s ‘Too Fast For Love’Slayer‘s ‘Seasons In The Abyss’.
*Clatter of chair being kicked onto radio booth floor*
*Groaning of a straining rope*
*Blast of a door being kicked in*
Hugh?! Oh my god, Hugh!
Cut him down now!
Does anyone know CPR?! Come on, Hugh, stay with me buddy. Stay with me.
Don’t just stand there. Call a fucking ambulance, and cut the fucking feed. We’re still live! Come on, Hugh. Breathe! Breathe you fucker, Bre-
Written by Andy Roberts (@Sassensquatch)