ALBUM: Steel Panther – Feel The Steel

Release Date: June 9th, 2009
Label: Universal Records


Spinal Tap + The Darkness x Cock References = ‘Feel The Steel’

I am prone to exaggeration, but with that in mind I have no hesitation in calling this the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Not necessarily in a bad way, but to prove my point, quickly Google the lyrics to lead single ‘Death To All But Metal’ and you’ll automatically agree with me. I’ll wait. Okay, so now we’re on the same page. While it may be incredibly stupid it is undoubtedly perversely entertaining. You also have to respect any band that can make a song titled ‘Asian Hooker’ with the lyric “Smells like sushi” sound epic.

And with that particular formula of ridiculous sexual topic + metal pastiche you have not only the blueprint, not only the foundation, not only the whole bricks and mortar but every molecule of the cock rock mansion that Steel Panther have brutishly created for your poodle permed, PVC clad figure of rockingness down pat.

And so as is appropriate, the guitars wail; slipping between cheesy shredding and corna inducing solos like the well lubricated, unstoppable, sequin studded monster penis this album is. There is the half Steven Tyler, half Dio vocal emulation complete with the multi tracked chorals and the classic boom-tish all there. There’s even some Bon Jovi vocoder in there on ‘Party All Day’ just for luck, I suppose. And just in case you got confused, yes this was released in 2009. Remember The Darkness? That Queen rip-off band with the fella with dodgy teeth? This is basically their reincarnation, except this is unlikely to make it to GMTV or whatever other ungodly media engagements any time soon.

They also aptly piss take the genre’s (cock rock, poodle metal, whatever) short-(perhaps shorter)-comings with the epic power ballad ‘Fat Girl (Thar She Blows)’ among others, which for the record, is just as equal parts awful and amazing at the same time. Go ahead, look up the lyrics for that one too. There’s something about “Do her double chin” and “Fat girl snacking on my cock again’ in there that would make that pursuit worthwhile.

So, as perhaps you may have guessed, this record is not a an exploration of Marxism or a statement about the after effects of the Vietnamese war on Eastern Asian society. We cover such subjects as prostitutes, whether cunnilingus is cheating or not, strippers, large breasts and obviously, this is a metal album after all, hell. As Limp Bizkit would title, results may vary, among these topics but it’s all the same general raucous exploration of screwing and partying and other such cerebral pursuits.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know whether this is the best or worst thing ever. There are arguments for both, but what I will say is that while this is funny the first time you hear it, just because of the all-out impact of what these guys sing in a serious manner, the effect does wear off eventually. So for what it lacks in replay value it definitely doesn’t in penis references. This means I’m caught as to whether this is a 1/10 or 9/10… I think I’ll play it safe.

Written by Paul Smith