ALBUM: Brokencyde – I’m Not A Fan… But The Kids Like It!

Release Date: June 16th, 2009
Label: Suburban Noise
Website: None available


As a critic for this website I am obligated to write objectively about any piece of music I am asked to release, and yes, I intend to do that here. I am also obligated to talk a little about the release – so this is the second album by ‘crunkcore’ band Brokencyde, containing reworked versions of old ‘hits’ as well as a bunch of new material.

Now I have that out of the way, this is, with no exaggeration whatsoever, the worst piece of music ever written, recorded or performed – and I am a third responsible for this so I should know about these things. This is without a doubt the actual low of the human race. Say what you want about genocide and all of that but this outstrips it by a country mile. This is ear rape. This is what happens when somebody forgot to chlorinate the gene pool.

This is a presumably ‘funny’, ‘cool’ mixture of the misogynistic themes in a lot of modern commercial rap music, with the synthesizers and drum breaks from crunk music combined with various growls, screams and brees of screamo music. It’s really funny, honestly. The thing is though, there isn’t any cleverness. There isn’t any sense of tongue in cheek about it. It’s just absolutely awful in every concievable way. The instrumentation, while an accurate representation of the style they’re supposed to be doing is unimaginative, the same can be said for the vocals. The lyrics are just awful, for example “Yeah! All you motha fuckin’ brizzles to get off the flizzle and to start fuckin’ dizzles / Fo’ shizzle my nizzle got these fuckin’ brizzles all up in my mizzle like a fuckin grizzle / Get off my grizzle girl / You got all these fuckin’ hoes all up in my face / Shut the fuck up with that shit / Let’s put your motha fuckin’ crowns up / Fo’ shizzle like this”, and so it continues. Every song is either about sex, scene kids and being drunk in a clu,b or themselves or various combinations of these topics. Now I wasn’t expecting Shakespeare but I mean, just, I am actually beyond words. I didn’t know human beings this worthless actually existed on this planet.

I mean perhaps like suggested by ‘Jealousy’ I just be reachin’ for them. I could be filled with jealousy, but I think what is more likely is that because I don’t think having hair that doubles my size is good or have more piercings than I do brain cells, I just don’t get it. But I can’t understand who honestly could without feeling guilty.

I reiterate, this is to be avoided at all costs. The five or six times I listened to it rank among the worst moments in my life. If I was listening to it for pleasure, I would probably have killed myself. If you like or appreciate this in anyway, you need to take a good look at yourself and then probably hand yourself over peacefully to your nearest mental hospital.

Written by Paul Smith