In 2008, Attack Attack! released ‘Stick Stickly’, a single from their debut album, ‘Someday Came Suddenly’. It was agreed everywhere that it was the stupidest thing that everyone had ever heard, and the video for it created a wave of cringe so powerful that not even Joey Essex in a mankini could ride. Six years later and that brief spell of idiocy has spawned a whole new era of dumbass bands that play the same songs over and over, while pre-teen girls spill their juices all over the floor. Abandon All Ships fall under this category.
You’d think that Canada would know better. Apart from Justin Bieber, they’ve got a pretty flawless copy book when it comes to creating a high standard of music. Devin Townsend, Cancer Bats and Celine Dion all hail from the maple nation that is generally accepted as the USA’s older, wiser brother. Abandon All Ships are trying their damned hardest to piss on the glorious laurels of Ms. Dion with their plip-plop electronic metalcore that is more ass bacon than back bacon.
‘Malocchio’ is 30 minutes of dreary, by the books guitar punching with very little regard for progression or creativity. Abandon All Ships‘ army of instrument players achieve less in the half hour than a group of Brazilian World Cup stadium constructors. They may be in genuine danger of spending more time touching up their fringes and stage get-up than actually writing songs of any substance.
It’s a shame that Abandon All Ships have decided to try and fuck up metalcore for everyone, because the poppy sections that form the other side of the band are actually quite good. The hooks on opening songs ‘Reefer Madness’ and ‘Trapped’ stick in your head like the regrets of a drunken one-night stand and the melodies wouldn’t be out of place on daytime BBC Radio 1. Abandon All Ships have actually been shortlisted for major music awards in Canada, so at least those syrup sippers can identify good elements in songs rather than just mindlessly bashing them like I am.
If you want just another metalcore/electronicore album to add to your collection of well-worn I See Stars and Asking Alexandria CDs, pick up ‘Malocchio’. If you have ever managed to read even one entire book in your life, then maybe you should go for a walk for 30 minutes instead.
Written by MG Savage (@MGsavagewriter)