FEATURE: 12 Days Of Rockmas

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Christmas is just around the corner, but then again, if the shops are anything to go by it’s been “just around the corner” since fucking September. By now, you’re no doubt infuriated by the 2001 tracklist of ‘Now That’s What I Call Christmas!’ that’s been constantly blasting away for the last… forever, and quite frankly, we are too. 

So, to shake things up a bit, we’ve got you sorted with the ’12 Days of Rockmas’, a festive Fuck You playlist of Rock and Metal Christmas themed songs. With only 12 days until the Big Jebus Birthday Showdown, be sure to whack these Noel Nasty’s on your tinsel covered speakers, kick over a snowman, lace the crackers with gunpowder, drink all the sherry, and turn it up to 11.


1. ‘X-M@$’ – COREY TAYLOR

When he isn’t turning Slipknot into Stone Sour, Mr. Taylor is telling it like it is in this vitriolic Christmas themed musical rant.  Perhaps a tad preachy with talks of corporate greed and whatnot, but all is forgiven when Corey‘s nicotine infused voice barks “Fa-la-la-la-la-la, go fuck yourself!”


2. ‘ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS’ – ZEBRAHEAD

Although they aren’t really known for their musical versatility, Zebrahead more than make up for that with their unrelenting, neck-breaking, head-fucking shows. However back in 2009 they released a genuinely amazing cover album ‘Panty Raid’, consisting of only of girl pop covers.   Amongst the many gems on the album was a brilliant rendition of Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas’, taking an already catchy as hell Christmas jingle and injecting it with a hefty dose of that Mother-Fucking-Zebrahead-Octane™.


3. ‘CAROL OF THE BELLS’ – AUGUST BURNS RED

I first heard this ball-ball-busting track during the American Dad episode ‘For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls’, and it simply blew my mind. August Burns Red have always been something else when it comes to riffs and guitarage in general but their version of ‘Carol of the Bells’ is just stunning, one that will have your head banging through sheer reflex alone and one that’s essential to any Xmas metal playlist. BYFH.


4. ‘CHRISTMAS TIME (DON’T LET THE BELLS END)’ – THE DARKNESS

For some truly unfathomable reason, this now Glam Rock Christmas classic lost the coveted UK Christmas number 1 spot to the underwhelming misery fest that is Michael Andrews and Gary Jules‘ cover of ‘Mad World’ from the Donnie Darko soundtrack, because nothing celebrates Christmas better than a flaccid, breathy, euthanasia anthem, right?

Clearly the world was in a dark place and no one understood it in 2003, but whilst everyone was busy moping around those cheeky chappies from The Darkness were living it up with their classic rock Christmas Single ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)’. If you can find a better Christmas rock song where that shouts “Bells End” half way through, then you’d better let us know.

 

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of blasts from the pasts, The Darkness have gone and released another Christmas song called ‘I Am Santa’, which is brimming with that wonderful retro 80s charm, and you can check it out here.


5. ‘YOU’RE A MEAN ONE MR. GRINCH’ – VERSAEMERGE

After a quick Google, it turns out there are over 40 different covers of this classic song from the 1966 cartoon How the Grinch Stole Christmas, included versions from Electric Six, Busta Rhymes, and even Si Robertson (y’know, the half-man, half-beard inbred from the Deliverance reality show, Duck Dynasty). 

However, just like Michael Scott in The Office episode ‘Classy Christmas’, we’re going to add a wee bit of Chic into the Yule tide spirit. So, while you’re sat on a jam packed bus that’s still inexplicably freezing cold, you can close your eyes and pretend that you’re sat in front of roaring open fire, sipping on mulled wine and snuggled in a thick woolly jumper whilst VersaEmerge conjure up a silky smooth ambiance with their acoustic cover of ‘You’re A Mean One Mr. Grinch’.

VersaEmerge also did a cover of ‘Santa Baby’ (here), but it sounds more like an ominous Bond theme than a frivolous festive romp, so we decided to opt for the Grinch one instead.


6. ‘JINGLE BELLS’ – AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE

While it may not be considered very Christmassy to:

a.) Pretend to be a Christian just to sell records.
b.) Scoff down steroids like Cadbury’s Miniature Heroes.
c.) Pay a man to kill your wife.

As I Lay Dying frontman and Austrian Death Machine founder, Tim Lambesis, at least has a sense of humour and pays fitting tribute to Arnie‘s lovable yet ridiculous Christmas Farce, Jingle All The Way, with the genuinely br00tal ‘Who Told You You Could Eat My Cookies?’ (here). However, as brilliant as that song is, it’s no way near as festive as Austrian Death Machine‘s cover of ‘Jingle Bells’, which has the added bonus of copious Arnie NIIAAAAAAHHHHHGGGGs throughout.


7. ’12 DAYS OF POP-PUNK CHRISTMAS’ – SUNRISE SKATER KIDS (JARROD ALONGE)

First things first, if you don’t know of Jarrod Alonge then stop what you’re doing RIGHT NOW and go check out his YouTube channel (here). He’s essentially the Bill Bailey of the rock world, with a razor sharp wit and an infuriating amount of talent. As writers go, he’s essentially who we want to end up as.

Anyway, enough about my pipedream, Sunrise Skater Kids is Alonge‘s pop-punk parody act, and not only are they fucking hilarious, but they’re a genuinely amazing at their craft. Check out the ’12 Days of Pop-Punk Christmas’ for a hefty dose of Christmas chuckles and yuletide yucks.


8. ‘SANTA’S PISSED’ – MOTIONLESS IN WHITE

So, yeah, this is something a little different, but hey, this is what this list is all about. Play it for Grandma, she’ll love it, especially the Family Guy quotes, the “bree” screams, and all the lovely anal sex.

 


9. ‘KIDNAP THE SANDY CLAWS’ – KORN

Break out the black eyeliner, dust of the old trench coat, and don a pair of fishnet gloves and purple pop socks, because we’re going back in time to your teenage years when The Nightmare Before Christmas was just so you. It wouldn’t quite be a Rockmas playlist without a mention from the classic alternative Christmas film spawned from the whimsical mind of Tim Burton, and, while there are many songs to choose from, we’ve gone with ‘Kidnap The Sandy Claws’ (here). It turns out that Korn did an… interesting cover of this festive fright flick, which has been gothified by at least 34%.


10. ‘LAST CHRISTMAS’ – JIMMY EAT WORLD

What’s more emo than a song of heartbreak at quite possibly the most vulnerable time of year? A Jimmy Eat World cover of that song, that’s what. While Wham!‘s ‘Last Christmas’ is one of the few tolerable Christmas songs out there, Jimmy Eat World have done a stellar job of blending their subdued melancholic tones with this classic. Semi-acoustified and laced with Jim Adkins‘ softer-than-a-blanket vocals, this is quite possible one of the most chill Christmas songs out there.


11. ‘I WON’T BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS’ – BLINK-182

Oh, Canada, you are truly an amazing country. Not many countries would have their Christmas number 1 be a pop-punk anthem about beating carollers with a baseball bat, getting arrested, and potentially suffering a festive prison rape, but hey, I’d take that over yet another fucking X-Factor single any year. Full of cheeky Blink-182 boyish charm, this is a sweet little song to play over and over in your head whilst putting up with the relatives.


12. ‘RUDOLPH, THE RED NOSED REINDEER’ – AMASIC

You’re never too old for a teeny pop-punk cover of a traditional Christmas song, no matter how big of a scrooge you are. With a sweet little DIY video to accompany it, Amasic are drunk on Christmas spirit, and puking up joy to the world with their awesome version of ‘Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer’.


Written by Andy Roberts (@Sassensquatch)

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